


Wherever You Are Thats Home

by RedNightOwl (LightMySuhl)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Additional Tags to Be Added, Alternate Universe - Babies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn, stages of grief
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:00:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22146823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightMySuhl/pseuds/RedNightOwl
Summary: Johnny gently pulls Ten’s hands from his face. “You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone struggles with parenthood at first and you’ve had it thrust upon you so unexpectedly. You’re also grieving Ten. It’s bound to take a toll. Why didn’t you call me though?”Ten fumbles through sudden parenthood and heartbreaking loss. Johnny is there, sure as the rising of the sun.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	1. Drowning Heart

Ten hears the loud knocking on his front door and doesn’t know whether to curl into a ball and cry or hurry to answer it so the noise doesn’t wake Yejoon. He knows who is at the door, would know the distinctive knocking even in his sleep. It’s also the one person in the whole world he cant hide a damn thing from. 

_Johnny_. 

Johnny can’t see him like this. 

Johnny keeps on knocking, clearly determined to get Ten to open the door. Ten realises he’s powerless against the pull of his best friend when he’s halfway to the door without remembering even getting off the couch. ‘I’ll fob him off and keep all my secrets safe’ Ten vows to himself as he reaches out to open the door. 

“Geez, Johnny you trying to disturb everyone on my floor?” Ten says in English, their preferred language when it’s just the two of them. Johnny's ever present smile slips a fraction when he hears Ten’s sharp tone. Ten hates disappointing the one person who always has his back but he needs to get Johnny out of here as fast as possible. He peers out of the barely open front door, one eyebrow raised in silent question as to Johnny's reason for visiting at 10am on a weekday. 

“Wow, not going to let your bestie in huh?” Johnny has regained his usual jovial smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He seems concerned and that is a sentiment Ten can’t encourage. His secrets need to stay hidden within his apartment. “I was in the area and finished my shoot early. It’s a beautiful day outside, I thought you and Yejoon might like to come have lunch with me at the park.” Johnny states, hope colouring his words. 

Relief rushes through Ten that he has a legitimate reason to say no and can quickly send John on his way. “Sorry Johnny but Yejoon is asleep right now. It’s not a good time. Thanks for the invite, maybe another time.” 

Ten briefly considers closing the door straight away but stops because that would make Johnny suspicious. His limbs are getting sore from holding still, he desperately wants to fidget to release this tension. He just needs him to _leave._

Johnny seems genuinely disappointed. His smile has turned flat, an expression that looks all wrong on his face. John was born to smile. “Oh ok, yeah another time.” He takes a deep breath, looking Ten straight in the eye. Before Ten can blink Johnny has pushed open the door with a simple “Just using the loo before I go” thrown over his shoulder as he passes Ten and enters the apartment. 

Ten scrambles after him, desperate to stop him before he gets any further. He grabs a handful of the others shirt pleading with him to stop, blaming the sleeping Yejoon for his need to leave. Johnny is like a freight train though, not slowing his forward trajectory at all. He comes to an unexpected stop just inside the living room causing Ten to collide into his solid warm back. Ten knows why Johnny has stopped. He’s seen it, it’s too late now. His secret is out.

  
Johnny stares at his best friends open plan apartment. It’s in complete and astounding disarray. The couch which can comfortably seat three people is covered in overflowing baskets of unfolded, clean, laundry. The small dining table is covered in unopened mail, pamphlets, groceries, a steriliser. Ten’s laptop and camera are safely in the center of the table both in their cases. The kitchen.. the state of the kitchen catches Johnny by surprise. There isn’t a single space on the counter that isn’t covered with either dirty dishes, food packets or bottles. Johnny doesn’t think he’s ever seen this many bottles in his life. Most are empty now, waiting to be washed. There is a collection of clean ones ready to be reused sitting close to the sink, milk powder right beside them. 

He turns back to the entryway to ask Ten what’s going on but finds it empty. Ten has squeezed past him and has relocated to the living room. He’s sitting in a tight ball, knees drawn tight to his chest head resting on his knees, arms wrapped tight around his legs. He looks so fragile Johnny's apprehensive to approach him. However he musters his courage, takes a deep breath and walks towards his best friend. He slowly crouches in front of the younger resting his hand on Ten’s foot to establish a connection. 

“Talk to me Tennie. Is this why you didn’t want to see me lately?” Johnny asks as gently as he can. Ten stays silent but Johnnys sure he can hear the youngers breathes becoming ragged. “Sweetie, where’s Yejoon? Is he sleeping?”

Mentioning Yejoon seems to break something within Ten for suddenly he lifts his head eyes wide and a little wild. “I can’t do this Johnny. Why did I think I could do this?” Ten wails. Ten is still tightly clutching his legs like it’s the only thing keeping him from falling apart. Johnny can see Ten is exhausted, the dark circles under his eyes. He needs solid, unbroken sleep not the short naps he’s currently surviving on. John instinctively wants to help others but with Ten it’s different, stronger. He’d move mountains for Ten.

“I’m here Ten, I’m always here for you. Just tell me what you need.” 

Ten’s next sentence is muffled by the pillow he is now hiding his face in. “Sorry Tennie but I didn’t catch that,” Johnny apologises. 

“I said I don’t know,” he heaves a weary sigh. “I guess I need sleep. I need to eat an actual hot meal. I need a cleaning fairy to visit the apartment. I need Yejoon to sleep for longer than an hour at a time.” It explodes out of him, then he’s hastily covering his mouth with both hands and hanging his head in shame.

Johnny gently pulls Ten’s hands from his face. He encourages him to lift his face by taping the younger on the chin. When he’s sure he has Ten’s undivided attention he tells him as gently but forthrightly as he can “You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone struggles with parenthood at first and you’ve had it thrust upon you so unexpectedly. You’re also grieving Ten. It’s bound to take a toll. Why didn’t you call me though?”

Johnny won’t deny that he's a little hurt that Ten didn’t tell him he needed help. They are supposed to be best friends, always there for each other, only a phone call away at all times. So he’s confused and a touch disappointed that Ten didn’t reach out.   
  


This is the conversation Ten has been avoiding for a week now. His shameful secret that he didn’t ever want exposed, especially to his best friend. He can’t stomach the thought of the look of rejection and condemnation he’s sure to see in Johnny’s eyes if he spills his guts. Ten also knows Johnny’s stubborn as a mule when he chooses to stand his ground. 

Treat the revelation like a bandaid he tells himself. Rip it off, clean, and deal with the pain after.

“I loved Lisa with all my heart and soul Johnny. She was like a sister. A sister of my soul. Meeting her so soon after we both moved to Korea was fate, destined by the heavens. When that douchebag Joon-young got her pregnant and then left her high and dry I promised her I’d be by her side always, I’d support her 100 percent.”

Ten can feel the tears threatening to spill from his eyes and blinks them back. He drags in a calming lungful of air then slowly exhales to steady himself before uttering the words that shatter his heart every single time he dares to think them. “When she got in the car with Joon-young that day my instincts were screaming for her not to go. The sense of foreboding inside me was intense Johnny but Yejoon woke up fussy and so I waved her off and tended to him like Lisa had asked me to do.” The words were coming faster now like water from a broken dam and Ten didn’t try to slow the torrent. The faster this was over with the better. 

“They were just supposed to finalise Joon-young signing over his parental rights. Signing those papers is the only decent thing he’s done in his whole life.” Ten turns imploring eyes to Johnny “Why’d he have to run that red light Johnny? Why? He had one half of my world in that car and he was dumb and reckless and I hope he’s currently burning in hell for taking Lisa from me.”

“And from Yejoon,” Johnny reminds him gently.

“Yeah.” Ten sighs wearily. 

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t call me if you needed help though Tennie.”

Ten is still drowning in his grief and guilt, head a jumbled mess. He shouts, the words ripping his heart to shreds ”Because I don’t want him here Johnny. I’d give him up in a heartbeat to have Lisa back. If he hadn’t been so damn loud I could have stopped her. They could both be here, safe and living their lives but he had to wake up then. He had to cry so bloody loud that the neighbors on the next floor down could have heard him. He had to choose that exact moment in time, over all the others, to distract me from saving her god damn life.” Ten is screaming by the end of it all. He’s violently sobbing, his heart and soul tattered. 

Johnny is shocked by Ten’s intense outburst but he knows there’s no reasoning with Ten right now. Ten needs tender care not words. Johnny rolls to his feet in one fluid motion, bending to scoop Ten into his arms and confidently strides towards Ten’s bedroom. Thankfully the door is open. Johnny nudges it wider, strides to the bed and reverently places Ten on the mattress. He settles himself behind Ten pulling him into the comforting safety of his arms. Ten continues to cry but it’s tempered from agonising to cathartic. He softly hums a tune. He’s not sure what it is but Ten calms minute by minute so Johnny keeps up the monotone sound. 

Sometime later Johnny rouses from the daze he had slipped into thanks to the humming. He pulls back gently and peers at his now quiet best friend. Ten has, thankfully, fallen asleep having worn himself out. Moving as softly as a six foot tall man can he eases his body off the bed and leaves Ten to get some long overdue sleep. He nips to the bathroom to relieve his aching bladder then after washing his hands checks on Yejoon. 

The cherubic seven week old Yejoon is still fast asleep. Heaving a sigh of relief Johnny tiptoes out of the infants room and runs through his plan of attack to handle the chaos of Ten’s apartment. 

After putting a load in the washing machine Johnny starts on the kitchen.

He fills the dishwasher with as many dirty dishes as he safely can. He has never been so grateful for an appliance more in his life. With the dishwasher loaded the kitchen is starting to look better already. He searches the kitchen for empty packets and other general rubbish, filling the garbage bin. 

Johnny is feeling pretty pleased with his efforts so far. He’s made impressive headway. Next on the agenda, the mammoth amount of baby bottles that still litter the bench. Johnnys not sure on the correct way to clean them. After a quick google search however, he gets to work.


	2. Eyes Wide Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Tens journey to self acceptance, peace and love has taken me to a dark headspace that I haven’t visited in a long time. Consequently it has been a struggle for me to find the mojo to write. I’m pushing through it though because their story deserves to be told. 
> 
> This update is short. Posting it now to give me the drive to continue. Hopefully updates will be fortnightly from here on out.

Ten wakes to a feeling of pure unadulterated contentment. He can’t remember the last time he felt this good. He’s almost scared to open his eyes in case it’s just a wonderful dream. I must be dreaming he realises with a hint of dejection, it’s too quiet for me to feel this good. Resigned to his fate Ten slowly opens his eyes. Only to his utter amazement it isn’t a dream. He feels euphoric for an entire minute before the horrific reality sets in. If he feels this good and the apartment is this quiet something terrible must have happened to Yejoon. He never sleeps this long. 

Ten struggles against the suffocating sheets, falling to the floor in a tangle heap. He scrambles to his feet, tearing out of his room and down the hall to Yejoon’s room. He doesn’t give his thundering heart time to contemplate what he’ll find on the other side of the door, pushing it wide open. 

He quickly scans the room with wild eyes as he approaches the cot. Everything is as he left it. Everything except the cot that stands empty. What is going on? Ten cant get his brain to function. Fearing he’s still asleep but now trapped in a nightmare he leaves the empty room and tentatively approaches the living room. 

Ten is stunned at the image he encounters. His heart beats erratically in his chest. His mind goes blank. He feels himself start to cry as he crumples to the floor.

Johnny is sitting on the now cleared couch, humming softly. Cradled safely in his warm embrace is Yejoon, who is drinking contentedly from his bottle. Johnny smiles down at him, tender eyes gazing at the tiny boy. He exudes natural dad energy, always has really. Ten has never seen anything more heartwarming that simultaneously leaves him feeling like such an unmitigated failure. 

Every single aspect of looking after the baby has been a never ending struggle. Feeding, sleeping, changing diapers or clothes, nothing has been easy and Ten has no idea how anyone manages it. He’s been drowning since the offset with no sight of rescue. 

No, he knows that thought is flawed. One word. That’s all that is needed between Ten and Johnny. He would have come the moment Ten asked. He knows this instinctually. However that would require admitting the depth of his failure, facing his grief and confessing to his resentment that is aimed at a harmless child. 

Ten has an abundance of people who he’d call friends in his life but only two people have ever staked a claim on his heart. Lisa had been his sister, his family, his best friend. Johnny is his confidant, his conscience, his fellow mischief maker, his best friend. Lisa called them soulmates. Ten agreed with her, wholeheartedly. Having Lisa torn away from him was akin to having his heart ripped from his body with no anaesthesia and blunt rusty tools. The wound was gaping and raw. He couldn’t lose Johnny too. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that it would spiral him into an abyss that he’d never be rescued from. 

Fear was a powerful crippling emotion and it was Tens constant companion. It had come to stake its claim from the moment Ten had opened the door to the two police officers who plunged the knife into his heart when they delivered the heartbreaking news about Lisa. Fear of Johnny's condemnation, fear of breaking his promise to Lisa, fear of causing detrimental harm to Yejoon; these thoughts were his ever present shadow. Guilt was fears faithful sidekick.

So he’d kept quiet about his apathy towards Yejoon. The week that Johnny was in Seoul to constantly check in on them things had been fine. Well ok not fine but Johnny hadn’t suspected Ten’s true feelings. Then Johnny had a photoshoot in Jeju and Ten was alone. Without the constant presence of his own personal sun he had swiftly fallen apart. In the span of one short week, that had felt hopelessly long, Ten had gone from muddling his way through this guardianship role to barely surviving. He was existing on scarcely any sleep, what he could catch often taken in naps. He doesn’t remember the last time he ate a proper meal. He hardly remembers to snack. By the time he had done the tasks that were required to keep the infant alive; changing, feeding, clean laundry, clean bottles, he had to repeat the process all over again. There was no time, or energy, for anything else. His organised, clean life and home rapidly descended into disorganised chaos.

A hearty burp interrupts his brooding, followed by a deep breathy giggle he adores. He’s met with a smiling Johnny congratulating the baby while rubbing his back. Johnny's eyes meet Ten’s and oh, that soft dreamy look melts Ten’s heart every time its aimed in his direction. _Maybe Johnny could learn to forgive me_ Ten muses when he realises that Johnny knows his secret now and he is still looking at him the same. Nothing has changed between them.

Ten drags himself off the floor and tentatively approaches Johnny. Approaches Johnny and all that is good and pure in his world. 


End file.
